"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

I had the worst night tonight......I just know that my mother is about to go through the same things I listed below with this "new" man of hers. I wont dwell on it long in fear of me crying over this mess even more. Why is that women have this "An Abusive man is better than no man at all"??? Help me ladies understand. If a man beats you and then tells you that he loves you, does that make everything that he did to you null? I don't understand.

I haven't posted in some time.....I've been holding it all in. Today I lost it. I had an arguement with my mom, because she never calls me anymore nor returns my phone calls. It hurts like hell. See I'm a Momma's Boy and it's killing me inside that I sometimes feel like I'm not important to her anymore. I bought and pay for her Cell Service so that she will be able to contact me and never have to pay a dime to do so. I'm going to be leaving her in a few days to PERMANENTLY live in Denver, Co. It seems as if she doesn't need me anymore now that she has someone. I know that life must go on, but is she supposed to move on without me? Why is the only person that I truly love make me feel worthless, Why does she make me cry, Why does it seem that she doesn't love me back? She didn't even hug me today before she left. She backed away and walked off. I promised myself I wouldn't cry again. Someone tell me it's going to be okay. Someone tell me that this is not what it seems. As I lay here, "under my bed" God please tell me why is she hurting me? What have I done wrong? God, please take away this pain.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23

I haven't posted in a while, been really busy at work. I've been having a rough couple of weeks. Last Sunday, I had a trauma patient that was 16 years old whom hit a tree at a high rate of speed. He later died at the hospital. That whole incident rings close to home because he was so young, someone's son, someone's brother, someone's friend. I was his primary Emergency Care provider and We did all that we could possible do, short of performing miracles. His Memorial Service is tomorrow, I am going to try to attend. This has been one tough week. The other night we had an EMS assistance call for a pediatric that "fell." How he fell, according to his dad, was an "accident" Thats all that I will say about that. Children should never be abused for any reason. It WILL affect the rest of their live, as they will never forget it.

In my childhood, I was physically abused ( I can't believe I'm about to talk about this). My parents divorced when I was a newborn, so to this date, I have never known them to be a couple. Children may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel. My parents said that I've made up things that happened to me as a child, however, I remember vivid details which shocked them both. After my dad left, my mom started dating this guy, Jackie. Jackie was brutally abusive to my mother, so abusive that my mother had to pack our entire house and flee Virginia. Jackie was the cause of both of my sisters moving out, leaving me, a toddler then, to deal with the abuse. All to often can I remember hugging my mom as she wiped the blood and tears from her face, saying "mommy I still love you." For three years, I watched my mother be beaten til she couldn't move, drug around the house by her hair, beaten in the front yard. THREE YEARS. My mother finally got fed up and my mother, Nanna (my grandma), Granny (my great grandmother), Tisha (my sister who's 9 years older) and myself packed up in one day and moved from Hampton, Virginia, my place of birth, to Castalia, North Carolina. I was 6 when we moved here in Aug 1990. It was a joyous time when we first got here. We were all having a great time, singing, dancing, Nanna cooking, because my mom and I finally felt free. Later that night my Granny died. It was like she waited til we were safe before she could leave us. Shortly after living here for a few months, my mom met a guy named Preston. How did she not see, that he and Jackie had the same traits. So once again, her abuse started all over again, but it was different in so many ways this time. Not only did he beat me and my mother any chance he got, but he tried to kill my mom as well. It started off okay at first. He was nice, however, he was very tall, around 6'6", and a very black man, which scared me. He was very controlling and jealous, to the point were most would classify him as psychotic and paranoid. My mom has always been a beautifl women, even more beautiful in her youth. With that beauty, came multitudes of spectators. In order to break my mother of her beauty, he would beat her, if another man looked at her, he would beat her if her clothing showed any skin, he would beat her if she wore make-up or jewelry, because he thought she was trying to find another man. My mother was not allowed to attend church or even PTA meetings at my school. As I said before I grew up alone, I wasn't allowed to have friends, because he thought that their dads were trying to date my mom. It was horrible as a child. I had no one to talk to you. No one to comfort me other than my place under the bed. As I got older, 7 or so, he used to use me as a tattletale, or somewhat like a spy. I was to tell him if anyone talked to my mom whenever we went out, as she was to walk with her head down, whenever she went anywhere. If I told him,  "no one talked to mommy" he would beat me. Said I was lying and beat me more. So I gave in, and started making up things so he wouldn't beat me. Even though I knew what would happen to my mom if I said yes, I just didnt want to be beaten for telling the truth. I HATED him. He once got mad at my mom, because I told him that my Daddy was going to kill and take me and my mom away. He beat us, put me in the car, told me to strip naked, drove me a few miles away from home and put me out on the side of the road. He began to drive away as I fell to my knees crying and begging for my mommy to come save me. About a mile it seemed, I saw my mom leap from the car and she ran back to me, bloody from the beating he just gave her in the car, I felt safe. It didn't end there, out of all of this she stayed with him. It was like he had a spell on her. I wasn't a perfect child, however my grades were, conduct....was not. Again it started off as simple punishment, which consisted of me not being allowed to eat that day. It progressed from being beat with "switches" (2-3 foot long small branches from tree) to being beat with the closed fist of a 6'6" man. Too many times did I wish I had enough courage to eat the rat poision around our home. Too many times did I want to run away from home. Too many times did I wish to be 17 so I could leave and not 7. He once locked me in attic overnight because of my conduct at school. All this time, I wondered, why wont my mom do anything, as she stood back and watched. I sometimes felt it was because she didn't care, but now I know its because she was afraid. She finally got up enough courage to leave. Which meant that we had to run and hide again because he would kick in our doors and lurk around the house late at night. My mom had the number changed because he would call all night and day and just breathe hard on the phone. It was during this period of my life that I found solice under my bed. We were truly afraid. My mom made the inevitable mistake of taking his belongings back to his mother's house. As we dropped off his things in his yard, he came running out the house, cursing, yelling, and threatening to kill her if she tried to leave. We tried to flee but he grabbed her as she tried to accelerate and pulled her from the car. He beat her brutally this time and he choked her til she lost consciousness. I got out of the car and laid across my mother's what appeared to be lifeless body. I kissed her and told her I loved her all while he beat and kicked me. I didn't care anymore. I just knew my mom, the only person in the world that LOVED me was dead and I didn't care if he killed me too. He finally stopped beating and kicking me. As I laid there, bloody, and my mom lifeless, a soft voice spoke to me and said "Baby, just pray" It was the voice of my deceased great-grandmother. I began to pray, and at 8 I didn't know how to pray, so I said the only bible verse I knew, "the lord is my shephard, I shall not want" I kept saying this over and over and finally a neighbor who saw us laying there, came to help. My mother wasn't dead but she was weak and couldn't walk from the beatings she sustained. He never beat us again.

To this day, my mom denies any of this ever happening, which was very hard for me as a teen, when I tried to gain understanding on why she let this happen. I remember with great detail and so do my sisters and Nanna. But my mom doesn't. I've gotten older now and It doesn't bother me as much, but when I looked into the eyes of that 6yr old the other night that, "fell" I saw myself and I realized that I'm still hurting. I pray that God will some day take away this pain.

[For this is what the LORD says:] "I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem." Isaiah 66: 12-13

Today's my mother's birthday 03-10-1953.....

I was late for work this morning, not real late, but I didn't get here at the time that I wanted to. Not a big deal, however my Father used to tell me, "Son, To be early is to be on time; To be on time is to be late; To be late is to have never been there at ALL"

Side note....I've been working on this post since 3pm 3/10/06. Keep getting interrupted by EMS assistance calls...

So, Today was my mother's 53rd birthday. I kinda dislike the fact that I didn't get the chance to spend the day with her being that I'm working (as usual) today. My mother means the world to me. Granted we argue and disagree about most things, She's still the Leading Lady in my life. Earlier in my childhood, I stood beside my mother when she was battling breast cancer. My gratitude towards My God's Mercy, could never be expressed in words. I'm so THANKFUL my mother is here with me today, with cancer in remission over 11 years. Last month, I bought her a Nextel and told her not to worry about the bill. Because I'm el cheapo, I told her "this is ya birthday gift ma" She smiled, snickered, and still hasn't figured out how to "direct connect" me. What really kills me are the phone calls asking "Hey, How do I do this?" or "Son, I've had this DVD player over a year and you STILL haven't connected it for me....You're Fired!" If she gave me a $1 for everytime she fired me from being her son....I'd quit Wake EMS now with I'm sure a good half a million to splurge with.

It's 1210 and I'm still awake. I guess I should end this post now and attempt to get some sleep before Gran-ma falls enroute to the fridge, John decides to outdrink Billy, Jane attempts to self-medicate, or Baby decides that he wants to be born tonight regardless of the May 1st due date. Life's little surprises.

Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance.

~Saint Augustine~

“ [The God of All Comfort ] Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ”- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I had a rough night last night....I am the Lieutenant for Youngsville Rescue & EMS in Youngsville, North Carolina. YRS is a volunteer Emergency Medical Service agency founded in 1973. We currently have 3 ambulances in daily operation as well as a Regionally known Swift Water and Dive Team. Anyway I'm at work as usual, Back at Wake County EMS Station 2. So to the aforemention quote....I had a rough night last night. YRS received an EMS assistance call at 0021 for a Patient that "couldn't sleep and wants to go to the hospital" Patient just so happened to weigh 800lbs. We had an interesting time getting the patient out of the house and into the ambulance and even more of exciting task getting the patient out and into the hospital. Which I presume was the denouement of my week. The above quote helps me deal with the uncertainties of my job. I would have loved to just roll over and continue my much needed sleep. But I realized that I've been given a task, not only from my employer but from God. All too often is EMS called to a residence or location, where someone feels a true emergency has occured. Even though we, as professionals may not see an emergency after a thorough assessment, we treat all patients' with the utmost respect and comfort, tailoring our professionalism to conform to each patients individual needs. It is through God alone, that I have adequate faith and unrestrained compassion to deal with the exasperation of my job.

I can take a plane high up in the sky and fly for a million miles
Write a melody so sweet, make a tear turn into a smile
And I can see the color of spring I can even feel the weather change
And soon the leaves fall and winter calls, ‘cause nothing ever stays the same
When I think of where I’ve been, what I’ve done and all I own
How I think I know everything, like I made it here on my own
And like the wind that blows
And like a flower that grows
Still with all I can do

Without You, life’s a song with no end
Without You, like's having a heart that won’t mend
Without You, we’re just actors on a stage
Like a child who’s lost his way
We wouldn’t be here today without You

I admit that sometimes my pride tries to hide my view
And even this gift that You gave me, I forget it’s for You
And all the many days and many ways Your grace I’ve abused
Still you were patient and Your love loved me through
But the wind still blows, and the flower still grows and one thing is still true

Without You life’s a wound that won’t heal
Without You, nothing in this world is for real
Without You

Can’t live, can’t see Your will for me
Can’t do anything

Without You, we’re like a bride with no groom
Without You, it’s like seeing no sunshine in June
Without You, we’re just actors on a stage
Like a child who’s lost its way, wouldn’t be here today
Without You, Jesus my life would be lost without You
Without You, I’ll never know what it cost
To see You lay Your life down for me
From my past now I’m free

“ [ Praise to the LORD ] O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. ”     - Isaiah 25:1

So, I didn't post yesterday. I had to work at EMS Station 10 last night from 1600-0800 this morning and now I'm at EMS Station 2 with my best friend Juni until 2000 tonight... I have known Juni for about 2-3 years now. She is the most down to earth Paramedic that I have ever worked with. She's very smart, confident, and a lil spicy. Plus she's from Chile and I like hanging out with exotic people. Amy my little latina lover from WakeMed, also has exotic roots.

~More to Come.....Juni and Jocelyn (who is a soon to be paramedic that we are precepting) want me to watch a movie with them~

Okay, I'm back on the web again. We just watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose, interesting movie. Which has been interrupted several times, once for the testing of the station generator, again to take a broke down ambulance to the County Garage, and recently for a man that couldn't breathe.

I haven't been under my bed in a while......a precursor for things to come.....